Playing tonight was strange. I've not been myself the past two days. I have no sense of time, or space for that matter. I've lost all my drive, all my enthusiasm. I feel constantly zoned out. Its not that I'm really distracted, its more like I have less thoughts. Braindead. Maybe thats the word. I knew where my mind was pretty much the whole time tonight, because it wasn't really moving. It was just blahhhh. blaaaaaahhhhhhhh. bllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. That pretty much how I feel right now. This happens to me a few times a year. It usually lasts about a week. There's not much I can do about it. I just wait it out. I used to think that when I felt this way I might become extremely creative and that I could harness this kind of depression into artistic energy. Unfortunately that it generally not the case. There is nothing to harness. Just apathy. I need a change. This is not how I'm supposed to be. On another note, I think I'm becoming more self centered, not necessarily selfish, just more concerned with the self. I don't really like it so much. I think being self aware makes you more considerate while being self centered makes you more narrow-minded. And that is definitely something I'd prefer not to be.
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12/04/09
Up until now I've tried not to play anything that i was familiar with. I thought that this would distract me via the association of the songs I played. But today I tried a new tactic. I played whatever I wanted, not worrying about whether or not I knew what it was. Not worrying about whether it was easy or hard or catchy or bad. I just played what felt good. This actually took some pressure off. I wasn't even aware there was a pressure to play original stuff until now. I was trying constantly to make new interestng and original music. Not really constantly, but it was always int he back of my mind. I think making original things is so much easier to do when you're not worrying about it. Oddly enough I tried a similar thing in my landscape painting class. I tried drawing without worring about the ruls of perspective or measuring or sighting or proportions. I just drew what was natural to me and my drawing definitely improved. Before I knew it everyone was coming over to look at my drawing and complimenting how great the proportions and the perspective where and how the lines were so free and unrestrained. I thought this was really funny.
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12/03/09
I'm tired tonight. Practice seems like work. its laborious and tedious. I think there might be something wrong with my adrenal gland or something, I just feel tired all the time. Even when I get enough sleep I feel like I need more sleep. I miss home. I miss my family, my friends, my girlfriend. I miss home-cooked food. I miss having a job. I want to go home. COming back to school feels so weird after going home for five days, especially since there is only 2 weeks left. I feel like I should have just stayed home. On the positive side, I tutored high school kids at Nottingham today and it was great. I successfully taught a girl how to graph solution sets for binomial inequalities in geometry. I didn't even know I knew how to do that. Then I helped some other kids with their Trig homework and taught them the rule of sides. I think one of the most gratifying feelings in the world is teaching someone something new and getting them to understand it so they can do it without you. In short, I think teaching is very gratifying. I think that's why I could never be a Buddhist monk. I would need to interact with people on a daily basis to be happy. I'm not really one for solitude. I believe one does need a certain amount of time for one's self. For instance, this daily practice has become very valuable to me. However, I always seem to enjoy guitar more when I'm playing with other people.
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12/01/09
Today felt a lot better than yesterday. But it was an odd experience. I used an actual microphone and an M-Audio recorder to record myself instead of the built-in mic on my macbook. I also hooked up a pair of headphones so I could hear myself in stereo as I played. that was the weird part. I could hear every little sound my guitar made as if it were right in my ear. This definitely affected what I played. I thought it was funny because suddenly I was much more aware of the guitar without necessarily being more aware of my mind. However, I did have this thought while I was playing which at least shows some self awareness. Actually, today was not bad in terms of distractions and mind wandering. I stayed pretty focused, but I was always aware that I was thinking of something. I never really got to that point where I wasn't thinking of anything.
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